Facebook, MySpace, Twitter:
Navigating the World of Social Networking with Your Child
from Early Childhood to Adolescence

Lisa Damour, PhD
9/30/09
Ruffing Montessori School

1. Teach your child(ren) that all digital content is public and permanent.

Make this clear from the very beginning so that it's a given assumption that they are not typing/sending anything they wouldn't be comfortable with parents, teachers, colleges or future employers seeing. This applies to texting on cell phones, not just messaging or social networking on computers. Teach children to vent or process thoughts and feelings in person or on the phone, never online. Also, begin with the understanding that digital usage is a privilege that can be taken away if misbehavior occurs.

2. Monitor your child(ren)'s digital activity.

There are developmental stages that children go through in terms of risk assessment. The first stage involves shorter term thinking (can I get away with this, will I get caught?). The second stage involves longer term, broader thinking (is this really in my best interest, am I putting myself in danger?). The trouble with digital media is that it is instant and there is little time to develop assessment skills. It's helpful to determine how your child is sizing up situations and try to monitor accordingly. Monitoring, especially early on, is important because letting your child loose in the digital world is almost as dangerous as dropping them off alone in Times Square! She noted one younger client who in all innocence searched for “Dick's Sporting Goods” for store info and found more than he (or his Mom,who was fortunately monitoring) bargained for.

If a child complains that monitoring means you're not respecting their privacy, tell them they are exactly right and remind them that indeed, digital media is NOT private as has already been discussed (see #1). Many children (teens especially) actually take comfort in your digital presence because it gives them an excuse to say no or opt out of digital misbehavior. You can strengthen this even more by making sure they have engaging extracurricular activities and have meet all obligations (homework must be done first, for example) before allowing them to engage in digital time.

Dr. Damour believes that children turn to the virtual world in search of the unstructured, unsupervised time with peers that so rarely occurs in person these days. So try to provide that opportunity in real terms. If neighborhoods are safe, let them roam outside with other children for blocks of time. If not, allow them to invite other children over to play in the basement alone for awhile (promise them you won't come down). A parent offered the following wisdom - “think of the yearning behind the complaint.”

In the meantime, Dr. Damour advises keeping computers in a public space so you can see what is going on. Children left alone with internet access in rooms with closed doors is dangerous (i.e. Times Square). The other problem is that children (teen girls, in particular) seem drawn to working in their beds (their beds become their office). This has also become a serious problem in terms of establishing proper sleep habits as our bodies make powerful associations between certain places and activities. Girls who are constantly working on homework, monitoring facebook accounts, texting on cell phones while in bed, have trouble disengaging once they turn off the devices. They find they can no longer sleep in bed and that their sleep routines are disturbed.

Another recommendation is for cell phones to be recharged at night in the parent's bedroom. For younger ages (11-12), present the phone as something they are only borrowing. Even later on (age 17) when the phone more or less belongs to a child, there are options (one parent noted that they just don't order texting as part of cell phone service, parents included).

Regarding Facebook: Opening accounts is conditional on them friending you so that you can see everything they can see. This is generally understood (acronym POS – parent over shoulder), but again, it provides an excuse to avoid questionable behavior. This is not fail safe (there are dummy facebook accounts). Ultimately, you are limited in your ability to monitor.

3. Focus on the medium as the problem, not (necessarily) the behavior.

“Sexting” - where teens (usually girls) are asked to take photos of themselves and send the images to boys. Curiosity about sex is normal. The problem is the instantaneous nature of the medium that keeps kids from doing decent risk assessment.

Likewise, children need to process social situations and learn how to navigate. They are drawn to this online because it is always available and easy. However, it becomes so intense and instant when done digitally (facebook, texting, etc) that they become totally exhausted and overwhelmed by it all (in fact, some kids are afraid to step away from the digital world because they are afraid they will miss something vital or be talked about when not online). In addition, there is something about faceless, voiceless contact that brings out the worst in people. Hurtful things happen that wouldn't occur in person. Oftentimes, children really appreciate limits on digital time set by parents because it provides a much needed break from all that.

4. Actively seek out opportunities for your children to enjoy real privacy, real friendships (not virtual ones).

This goes back to the idea that children are starving for unstructured, unsupervised play with peers and will turn to the digital world in search of it unless we provide it for real. Those times when children are alone with peers is really critical for development. The trouble is there is very little privacy for children today b/c of scheduling, safety issues, etc. One alternative is summer camp, where there is more freedom within structure than they have in school.

Miscellaneous...

Dr. Damour's recommendation is to hold off on digital media as long as you can. Cultivate habits of mind apart from the instant world – children can't learn to concentrate when they multi-task all the time. One skill she sees as key to success is the ability to cope with getting stuck which requires concentration and a whole host of skills not developed in a multitasking, digital world. A parent noted that she's thrilled to hear that her child is complaining of boredom because she recognizes it as an opportunity to strengthen coping skills that don't often get a chance to be used.

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